i'm just searching for moments

While I'm struggling this week with bigger things, like learning to find the confidence to believe I'm a teacher, and being happy with all of me, witnessing and sharing moments, like a tender exchange between generations, makes me get over myself and see far more interesting and beautiful things in this world.

We're in wind down phase of the teacher training right now and my mind is full, my heart is open, my stomach is churning, I've got shivers and I'm excited and terrified for the opportunities ahead. But it's not time to plan ahead yet, there's too much present to be in.

When he was born, I bet his eyes looked around the whole hospital room with a stare that said 'I've done this before'.

I'm half awake, half in space.

I'm not going to write today since I'm a little wrapped up in my thoughts and haven't made anything of them yet but to let you know what I'm thinking about:

a) feelings we repress and how to bring them to the surface to heal them...
b) how to find the antidotes for the things in our lives that create suffering or discontent;
c) love for myself;
d) trying to really pinpoint the places in my life I am currently not 'practicing' and bringing my yoga there to create peace.

Maybe more can come on those another day...

Connection

A strange Sunday, filled with suppressed emotions. It's not that I didn't want to let them out, but rather, that the opportunity didn't present itself. And I didn't know I had to. Or feel I had to. And now, I'd like to let them out but I'm exhausted. So I will write instead - starting with the blog, then heading to the journal.

It is Father's Day today. Today is the first Father's Day in probably 13 years since I've hugged my dad in person. That, for me, is emotional enough in itself, but combined with the medidation we did with Michael Stone today (http://www.centreofgravity.org/) on visualizing our fathers (or father figures) in different stages of their life in order to find compassion and gratitude, it was enough to make my heart burst with joy and my stomach churn with sadness all at once. It is making me think about life, death, my dad's views on both of these things, my views on both of these things, and how little I actually know about the fascinating man whose daughter I am.

Also in my thoughts today was how 'off' I felt with no reason that I could pinpoint. If I feel off on a regular work day, it's easier to live with it because I can get distracted, multi-task, or just have an off day. But here, I feel like I don't want to pass my precious time a) feeling this way, b) not being able to know how I got there and c) know what it is I'm feeling. At least I'm mindful of it and won't let myself suppress it and ignore it like I find so easy to do in daily life. All the more reason to head to the journal tonight.

Further to feeling off, and adding to this feeling and weight, was my practice teach today. It was a lovely, sunny day in the park, I had beautiful people to share the practice with... and I didn't feel the joy of teaching. This happened to me my first time too and scared me a lot then, and even more now since my passion and love for this runs so deep and I want to share this. I need to get out of my head and feel this love, as well as feel the sharing and connection with others, because not only do I not want to feel a lack of joy, I want, more than anything, to be able to be me. Of all places to be able to let your guard down, I've found the mecca, so I need to chip away and start to create a beautiful sculpture while my spirit is open.

simple movement

to hypnotic music
makes for magic.
it hurts my heart.

i feel this urge to express myself artistically, more than ever.

bonne fête maman!

What a nice treat to be finished early today although I felt a) bad for those that were supposed to do their presentations for the class because of the anticipation they'd endured thinking it would be today and then going through that emotional up and down and b) that we'd have 3 less hours with each other and all amazing things yoga! But I quickly got over it and it felt so good to get a few more hours in the day.

After a little treatment time with Dina T. (our most amazing anatomy teacher, yoga teacher, co-owner of several Moksha studios, and now friend) who worked on my scar, I got on the city bus to go to my parents' place. There was a blind fella with his service dog on the bus and I watched them interact. It was beautiful, their connection - being a guide is this dog's full-time job but their relationship seemed so clearly defined. I sat on the bus, tears running down my cheeks, both because of how much I am missing Tao but also because I feel like I don't know how to appreciate MORE what I have in life so that I don't take things like sight for granted.  I got to my parents' place, emotionally drained, and had a nice dinner with my maman, on her birthday, AND we treated ourselves to an ice cream cone. I am now ready for bed, feeling centered and grounded.

The above paragraph is a disjointed whirlwind of thoughts but it relates to the video I am posting tonight - from the energy I felt in Dina's hands and mind, to the connection I saw between the man and his dog on the bus, to the healing of family and friends.

Family reunion

Another great day off although I can't believe that the month is almost 50% complete! I don't think I can appreciate the seconds of this journey even more or have more gratitude for the people sharing it with me so time needs to slow down so I can absorb it into every pore!

Saturdays are my family day. I also appreciate every second of that and have so much gratitude for them. My brother (Eddy) came in from Vancouver and we did a Moksha class together (our first yoga class together! Nice to share that energy.) and then we had a quick & dirty family reunion with our parents and our sister (Angelica) pigging out on Mom's sukiyaki. Got to spend the afternoon with my siblings and then did a 5 miler along the Gorge Waterway to make room for another Japanese meal - delicious Oden for dinner. Find the links for both recipes below. Nom.

I'm now sitting here semi-paralyzed, semi-procrastinating from looking at my presentation work and practice teaching notes for the morning. I won't dwell on it for too long - a good night's rest will do me better than trying to "cram" on something my body and mind just "knows" and has to do!

http://japanesefood.about.com/od/onepotdishes/r/odenrecipe.htm
http://japanesefood.about.com/od/beef/r/beefsukiyaki.htm

Insanity

I once heard or read that insanity can be defined as doing the same thing over and over again but expecting a different outcome (Einstein, I think?).

I read on our training schedule today that not only am I in the first group to peer teach a yoga class (in, um, 3 days), but I am also doing my presentation that day. Rational Alice looks at this and says "ok, short end of the stick but you can't lose your day off because of it so just do it." But emotional Alice is stressing, and already feeling nervousness and anxiety... Just like the Einstein quote then, why is it that, even though I know it's okay if I make a mistake, and that it's a safe environment with lots of support, and that even though I get nervous on a stage or in front of large groups of people, I know I always find it in me to do my best and the outcome is that it is just fine... that I let myself get worked up beforehand just thinking about what needs to be done even though I know that worrying won't change anything? Why do we regress to ways we know how to (re)act even if they don't serve us? How do we get over those behaviours, thoughts and feelings and just channel it into energy that does serve us?

I mean seriously. It's not until Sunday and I'm sitting here with a lump in my throat. Wha?! C'mon. Who has a background in theatre? I've gotten so comfortable being inside me that it's making me vulnerable to have to get out of that comfort zone.

On a totally related and unrelated note, I was thinking of doing this as spoken word for the 'talent show'. It's so beautiful and I see myself in it.

One week

The last week has flown by but at the same time, given how much I've learned, accomplished, realized, and discovered in that time makes it seem like a much longer journey to date. The time that I've taken (we've taken) to devote to this so far is such a little amount of time in the larger scheme of things.  It is time set aside to really get to know ourselves. To peel off the layers of the onion, one at a time and get to the inside.

I've wavered back and forth while here so far and in the past 5 years (+) contemplating my insecurities and fears, as well as my contentment and gratitude for the many amazing things in my life. Aspects of me are confident and know how they serve me or not; others are still not quite 'me' yet - in some cases, I don't understand them, in others I don't know they exist. And this is part of what I'm trying to begin to resolve for myself while I'm here.

At the end of the day yesterday, we were asked to identify fears that we might have regarding teaching (or otherwise). Then we had to ask ourselves, in the face of that fear: "what's the worse that can happen?". Then, to the answer that came out of that question, we were to ask ourselves "so what?". I didn't have many concrete teaching fears right then and there, and came up with a non-teaching one. It was sky-diving. I have a fear of that. The worse that can happen is I die. And, um, that would suck. Is that a strong enough "so what?"...

Anyway, I was a little disappointed that I couldn't even articulate what my fears were post class but then I went ahead and dreamt them last night. Cool right?! And that was amazing to me because I don't usually remember dreams and this was vivid and was speaking to me, telling me what I have to resolve. Now I just need to figure out how.

One layer down. Many more to go.

PS: I add this photo, taken a few hours ago in Toronto by my friend Kasia for three reasons. Firstly, I love me a good storm. Second: this very much parallels what I feel this journey is about. Third: if you look closely, it looks like there are dementors in the middle of the cloud, about to swoop down to suck our souls, and OMFG, the last installment of Harry Potter is out in just over a month. Eeeh!

Mindfulness

I've made many commitments to myself in the past few days and one is to be more present, in the moment, mindful, and aware. Here are some random observsations I've had in the last few days.

-Observing silence in the morning makes my thoughts seem very loud.
-The sights and sounds of the Inner Harbour in Victoria on a sunny summer day remind me of high-school-summer-job-desperation.
-No matter how worn in my Birks are, they'll give me blisters when I wear them for the first time the next season.
-I miss running and have running envy.
-Practicing twice daily and having an open mind and heart, I feel very alive.
-I have phantom dog cuddles in my sleep.
-I can now say I've had one of those meditation sessions that leave you feeling dazed, serene, light, tingly, and confused all at once.
-I still think farting is like, the funniest thing ever.

I have photos I could upload but I need to get to bed. A little lullaby instead.

Day off

-Warm up with 14km run on the Galloping Goose Trail.
-Add a generous amount of sun.
-Also add a generous amount of sunscreen.
-May generate a generous amount of sweat on said run.
-Stir until you have a dash of a sunburn.
-Mix in large quantities of mom's cooking.
-Sprinkle with smiles from Lukas as needed (see below for approximate measurement).
-As the day is not as long as you need it to be, combine in a bowl all remaining ingredients: long bath, bullhorns for each Canucks goal, chores, a visit with a friend, and a photo shoot with sis.
-Let rest at room temperature in the evening for a perfect day off.

Check in with yourself and make changes in your life.

I am up and it's dark out. That's a first since I've been here and it feels like I'm being bad! Tomorrow's my day off and it's already jam packed with running, family time, friend time, and food prep for the week. But right now is not tomorrow, so this is the time to just sit and reflect.

At Day 3, I am feeling incredibly blessed to be here sharing this experience, practice and energy with this group of people. And I am also so honoured to be in the presence of the teachers and guides we've had so far. I have so much respect for these folks, people who are true to themselves and their values and their life. And they share that with others. Good peoples man.

I have to say, it's surreal having the time to step aside and observe yourself. To create the time to listen. To really own the time and observe, appreciate, and better understand. I try to do this daily in the day-to-day grind, with my lips curled up as I walk down the street to run club or get on the streetcar and as compassionate a nature as possible at all times, but this is different. This makes you own up to the bad, embrace the good, reassure the vulnerable, and tease the ego. And take it as it comes, without the chance of even suppressing it. 

I'm heading to bed now feeling emotionally drained (in the most fantastic of ways) but physically energized.

A

PS - While I miss my pup more than anything, I got to see what he's doing during my absence and he doesn't look like he's got it tough. He got to go to the water park, where he bites and attacks the water. SMRT doggie.

Listen

I'm still letting the day sink in but overall, it was a really great day. I woke up early and saw on Facebook, from the running folks that are 3 hours ahead in Toronto, that it's National Running Day. I got up immediately, did some quick math to see if I could squeeze a tempo run in before my Yoga Teacher Training, and laced up and went. I did a five km loop of Dallas road and back up Government, which I think will be my Wednesday route from now on - lovely scenery, flat and with high running traffic. I fist pumped all the other runners out that early but was too shy to wish them a Happy National Running Day out loud.

I had some trepidations heading out for day one of the teacher training. It wasn't nerves. It wasn't insecurity. It was my heart. I wondered why I wasn't more excited... Why didn't I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, EXACTLY why I was here? I doubted that my introversion (or as it was put today by someone else today about themselves, as having an "insular" nature, which I fully understood) would not serve me and would separate me from the group's experience. But as soon as I got there, and we sat around and started the day, that doubt was gone and it just... felt. right.

I am feeling like I'm hovering above myself a little bit. Yet I feel very grounded at the same time. Perhaps I'm feeling a little too introspective to really be able to articulate it right yet but it's a good feeling. And I can't wait until tomorrow.