I've often be told to share the story of my weight loss and life changes. Truth be told, I've never really wanted to share this story. I am not sure why. Perhaps, it's because I am embarassed of where I was seven years ago. Perhaps it's because I don't think it's that unique a story, nor that inspiring. Perhaps it's because the story isn't over, and likely never will be.
When the time came to decide on my third Moksha distance education project - Pillar one: Be Healthy - I didn't really know what I was going to do. None of the suggested project topics spoke to me. Either they weren't where my interests laid, or they weren't challenges or new experiences for me. I wanted to go beyond my comfort zone and experience something that would allow me to arrive at a significant conclusion about my physical and mental health. And that's when I realized I didn't have to go far, but rather, dig deep, and articulate, in writing, what my own health journey has been. Resurface and re-experience the ups, downs, highs, and lows, challenges, triumphs, failures and successes, in order to discover truths within myself that will translate into courage and strength to promote and encourage a healthy body and mind in others.
To ensure good health: eat lightly, breathe deeply, live moderately, cultivate cheerfulness, and maintain an interest in life.
-William Londen
It took me almost six years to really claim the above quote in my lifestyle, and, in the world that we live in, it certainly doesn't hurt to be reminded of it every now and again, as we lose sight of taking care of ourselves. I am not intending this project to be solely a "personal" reflection but hope to be able to draw on points that are relatable and honest, that will assist people - myself included - in learning something about themselves.
October 24, 2004
The story actually begins before this date but it is the one that has significance for me. For years, I was always on a diet that "started on a Monday". That worked out perfectly with my Sunday night restaurant shifts, where I was able to eat whatever I wanted - my last supper, if you will - as it would all be written off on the Monday morning, when I offered myself a clean slate. The freshman 15 I gained in 1999 turned into the post-graduate 60lbs - almost all of it without even realizing it. Part of it was "weight creep", where the numbers on the scale gradually increase, part of it was thyroid-related, but the bulk of it was lifestyle. I didn't really see what was happening to me until I saw my dad when he was in Ontario for a buddhist retreat. I snapped out of years of denial, because of the look on his face - one of concern and failure - and his simple words of concern. Reality hit me all too hard and I was humiliated and hurt. While I was determined after that visit to get my weight and health under control, I wasn't exploring the root of the issues - the feelings, triggers, and coping strategies associated with lifestyle choices and high stress. Another 25lbs snuck on in the following year. Around October 24, 2004 (I arbitrarily chose that day the following year when celebrating my one year "anniversary"), I went to the doctor's for a routine annual check-up. After exchanging the usual pleasantries, we started going through my routine: working 80-hour weeks, smoking, not active and being on the pill (making me a prime candidate for a stroke by the age of 30). I recall being asked what I was going to do about it. With no emotions and just determination, I replied "I will "start" today. I don't care that it's a Wednesday". I left the doctor's office and did just that. I walked into a women's only gym and signed up.
Tip to combat weight creep: One of the best ways to stop gaining weight is to first and foremost listen to your body and watch for signs. Don't ignore tight pants and pretend it's just bloating (although, sometimes, it is just bloating!). Aging, combined with less exercise and the same eating habits you had in your 20s, are contributors to weight creep. A good way to combat this is to power up your metabolism by increasing muscle mass. Try strength training a few times week to both retain and build muscle.
Year one
From that day on, I committed to a multi-year plan. I would start with just the gym. I always liked being active, so it was an easy place to start. I was not going to change my food habits and quit smoking and remove all stresses too, i.e. do everything cold turkey all at once - because I wanted to succeed and I wanted it to be sustainable. So baby steps for me meant 3 days a week at a gym to increase my self-esteem. After my first week there, I was already starting to feel better, and with confidence, weighed myself. 211 lbs flashing by my feet and tears streaming down my face, I knew I had a long journey ahead of me.
When 3 days a week became 4 and it was clear my commitment was unwavering, I switched gyms to one with frills - spinning bikes, an indoor track, martial arts, pools - the downtown Toronto YMCA, a place that motivated me throughout the following years. By October 24, 2005, I had lost 26 lbs and I felt so energized, but I could see that despite the sweating, the grunting, and the tears, more than just exercising had to be done.
In order to change we must be sick and tired of being sick and tired. ~Author Unknown
Year two
Year two's challenge revolved around food. A simple task to start was education. Portion sizes, recommended daily intakes, no fad diets, but just a healthy, well-rounded diet, with calories within the right range. A not-so-simple task was dealing with the obsessiveness that slowly developed. Writing every detail in a book, counting constantly, developing anxiety and negative associations with food... my pattern going from overeating (and dealing with a hypo-thyroid) to all-or-nothing thinking. I never binged, nor did I ever starve myself, but eating was work, was not based on appetite, and, it was, overall, distressing. This type of eating disorder, or disorded eating as coined by Toronto sports nutritionist Susie Langley, is not extreme. But it is not sustainable as it requires more mental space than one can spare over a long period of time. We develop powerful obsessions with certain foods when trying to avoid them. Precious pleasure is being taken away and we feel hurt. Emptiness and pain well up, resolve weakens. Anticipation (craving) is revved to full power with a single focus. And for someone who had never had to worry about this type of disordered eating, it was scary, and I didn't want it to be part of my journey. Funny thing is, I still didn't see that my abuse on my body from overeating for years was just as bad, if not worse.
By the end of year two, I had lost another 52 lbs, bringing my total up to 78 lbs. In addition to my 1600-1800 calorie daily diet, I was exercising at least 5 times a week. But it only reinforced a statistic that I'd heard that I didn't like then, and still don't like today, which is that in weight loss, it is 10% exercise, 10% genes, and 80% diet (one theory, in others, diet plays a higher role). I wish there was more impact from exercise than diet so I could have less guilt about eating and keep up my really active lifestyle.
Tip if you lose motivation in your exercise program: I see it every year at the gym when the 'resolution'ers' show up on January 1st and start an unrealistically heavy program that has over 65% (my own guesstimate figure) of them quitting before week three. If you're struggling to stick with your weight loss or exercise program, I say to stick to activities you love and not change your diet drastically. Think back to previous attempts at losing weight or exercising. What made you quit before and are you on the same path now? Try to see what prevented you from being 'successful'. Was it a diet that's too strict or too difficult to follow? Feeling tired and sore from too many workouts? Being so busy, you can't figure out how to fit it all in? Make your own list and then figure out how to get around these issues and be realistic about your goals and the time frame.
Year three
The goal for year three was to quit smoking. I knew that this goal likely meant gaining a few pounds but I was ready for it. 133lbs was too low for my frame; it didn't look right. So I was anticipating it and in a way found solace in being able to tell people I needed to gain weight, knowing it would happen anyway and not wanting it to be seen as a set-back. The first thing I did that year was ditch the journals. No more writing every calorie my body was intaking and outputing. By that point, the exercise was a lifestyle. I was hooked, loved it, and I had no worries about ever having a motivation issue in that department. But the food part was still (and still is) looming over me. It wasn't about nutrients or health but about calories. And so ditching the security blanket (journal) was a cathartic and scary experience. It was my attempt at trying my very best to make eating a natural thing. And from there, in a very methodical way, I weened myself off cigarettes and on October 24, 2007 quit smoking (I have not had a smoke since then).
"The tragedy is that so many people look for self-confidence and self-respect everywhere except within themselves, and so they fail in their search."
- Dr Nathaniel Branden
Year four
After quitting smoking, my fitness level changed, literally overnight. The days (and nights) of the closet smoker were over and all of my activities changed for the better: my yoga practice was so much stronger, my muscles recovered faster, my stamina quickly turned my 5kms into 10kms. And despite the now 20 lbs I had gained from quitting smoking and not journaling my caloric intake, I knew I was probably healthier at 153 lbs and smoke-free than where I was a year earlier. Or so that is how I justified it to myself. My year four goal became to train for a half marathon, which I did and raced on September 28, 2008 with a time of 1:52: 23. It was an emotional day not because of the race itself or the time, but because I saw the (much larger) shadow of my previous self cheering me on at the finish line.
2008 was also the first year in almost seven that I went back to B.C. to visit my family. As close as I am with my family, excuses were easy to make year after year and it was difficult on a low salary to make the trek across the country. But even with valid reasons for not visiting, deep down, there was relief that I didn't have to go, due to embarrassment and fear of letting them down, due to how I felt, and looked, physically.
Tip on reaching out to a support system: I spent years working on achieving my goals and I was lucky enough to have the support of a few close friends. But I really shut myself out, emotionally, during this transition, thinking that I had to do it alone. Surrounding yourself with people who genuinely care about you can have a positive effect on your mental well-being, and a strong support network can be critical to help you through the stress of tough times. So reach out to friends and family when you need a little extra support to keep you going, and don't be afraid to do so.
Year five
Year five was a difficult transition year for me. I was slowly realizing that this extra 20lbs were not budging, despite my best efforts. My confidence and body image wavered from good to bad, often in one day. I felt strong, in control, and physically healthy but I was still bothered by food being more in control of me than me of it - I lacked acceptance, positivity, and compassion towards myself.
At my annual doctor's check-up, she praised me (as she'd been doing for a few years now) for my accomplishments and told me the weight I was at was perfectly acceptable. In fact, she would often use me as a poster child for her other clients in similar situations. At this appointment, I spoke to my doctor about two physical issues I was having - the first being lower back pain when running, the second being the skin on my stomach from the weight loss that was really more of an issue when buying clothing, running, etc, than a cosmetic one. I asked her what my options were for both (reiterating that I wasn't looking for a cosmetic answer) and her answer to me was to see a friend of hers... a cosmetic surgeon. Not the answer I was looking for, I put this off for most of the year. Finally, when I'd had enough of both the discomfort in my back and the fact that the folds of skin were not going to go away no matter what I did, I went and visited doctor Mitchell Brown. Mainly a reconstructive surgeon, and one that does not accept all patients, he made of me an ideal candidate and sent me home with a quote to fix my problems: re-suture my entire abdominal muscles to my abdominal wall (which had disconnected from high impact activity during weight loss, causing a weak core and back pain) and to get rid of the skin on my stomach. Months passed, as I still wasn't convinced this was the answer. Then one day, I had the realization that this was just the next step in my journey and that I'd done everything I possibly could have. I booked my surgery - which was now the goal and focus of year five. On December 12, 2009, I walked myself into a private clinic in Yorkville without looking back, for the surgery that I am now so glad I did, as it changed more in me mentally than any of the other milestones I'd had to date.
Within each of us lies the power of our consent to health and sickness, to riches and poverty, to freedom and to slavery. It is we who control these, and not another.
-Richard Bach
Year six
Post-surgery, I took the time I needed to recover. Filled with so many emotions for so many weeks (I think the oxi-contin played a role), I began to realize how big a deal my surgery had been. I began to see how vulnerable we are - how important it is that we treat our bodies and minds as the most valuable commodity on the planet. I began to have compassion towards myself - real genuine compassion. I slowed down and went back to basics. In my food, I changed my eating habits drastically, looking for nutritious, wholesome foods, that would nourish and heal my body. I educated myself on a much deeper level than I ever had before. I slowly began re-integrating gentle exercise into my day-to-day. I worked with my body as if it had been re-born, seeing not what I needed to do for immediate results, but for a lifetime of health. My mind calmed down as it was being transformed. I wanted to give my body and mind what it needed inside to fuel me and serve me in a real sustainable way.
A few months into my recovery and rehabilitation, a bike accident and broken rib derailed my plans for making a real "year-six goal" but that was the blessing in disguise I needed. Year six was about re-defining standards for health. For beauty. For numbers on a scale. For a strong mind. I started looking at myself from a health perspective. Do I have perfect numbers for blood pressure, cholesterol, heart rate and every single other thing? Yes I do! Does my doctor tell me when I see her that I need to lose weight? No she doesn't. I AM healthy. I am strong. I listen to my body. My mind stills when I need it to. Weight does not equal health and that was an important realization.
Tip for a healthy mind: this is definitely something we can continuously work towards and help others work towards as well, but I would say the following helped me in ensuring my mind was as healthy as my body. Be kind and accept kindness for others, make time for family and friends, give and accept support, manage stress by dealing with stressors effectively, deal with feelings and moods, especially when they're recurring patterns, and learn to be at peace with yourself - by getitng to know who you are, what makes you truly happy, and knowing what you can and cannot change about yourself.
Year seven
With 2011 looming around the corner, I got my goals list out - one from 2008, and saw that I'd accomplished almost everything I'd set out to accomplish in the health/body/mind department with the exception of two items: completing a marathon and doing my yoga teacher training. My goals for 2011 were set then and there.
My yoga practice throughout 2010 was almost exclusively restorative or hatha based, and often not in the heated room. I knew I wanted to do my Moksha teacher training even though I hadn't practiced Moksha for one year. I applied over half a year in advance, in order to show my work that I was 100% committed to pursuing this, and also, as I wrote my application before my October 24 anniversary, while filled with re-established commitment for pursuing this passion. The support and quick response for my application solidified that I'd made the right decision. A few months later I signed up for my first marathon clinic. Having not run for a few running seasons, the idea of returning to my running group was overwhelming and nervewracking, but the support I got from the group was amazing and made the journey manageable.
If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion. ~Dalai Lama
Year eight
Hard to believe that this journey is about to start its eighth year. Reliving a lot of the feelings and acknowledging some of what I've been through while working on this 'essay' has been tough. As much as things have changed in seven years, old wounds and experiences live on. But I'm glad I was able to articulate the messy cycle of emotions and experiences it turned out to be, hoping it may speak to someone, and that I'll be able to incorporate my learnings into my teaching.
Heading into year eight, here are some of my thoughts on where I am at:
- Food is powerful. I am now, with the help of a sports nutritionist, reviewing how can I use it to nourish my body and ensuring its gets enough of what it needs. On a personal front, the relationship I have with food is no longer obsessive, but sometimes, it's like a clingy, whiney friend that you don't want to spend that much time with, and so I can still work on re-defining it. I can break myself out of cyclical habits I fall into as I notice myself falling into them, but I still wonder if the day will come when my (and the world's?) relationship with food will not even be a consideration.
- I am probably around 145lbs. I would like to be around 140lbs but I'm okay not weighing myself and letting myself just naturally be. While the charts show that I am currently just over the normal weight BMI and places me in overweight, I scoff at that. I will always have a sporty, compact body type. My thunder thighs? They carry me through 42.2kms. My clothes, they fit well these days. I feel stronger than I have EVER felt. I still have good days and bad days but the negative self-talk is almost non-existent. So, I can get over that chart (which, in passing, also says Matt Damon is overweight, so as if).
- I have many goals for year eight and will have to focus what I see the overall theme for the year being. October 24 is just around the corner and this is my January 1st, so I have to take some meditative time in the next few weeks to feel what will be right for the year to come. What I do know, is that I want to continue focusing on my teaching and practice, as well as my running, and marrying the two. I also want to continue cultivating inner peace and acceptance in order to help cultivate peace and acceptance around me.
- While the journey and its milestones have been nothing short of many accomplishments for me, the reality is that it is a continuous journey. The key was to make it become manageable so that it could be liveable. And now, even though it will always be work, it can finally be enjoyable.
