Connection

A strange Sunday, filled with suppressed emotions. It's not that I didn't want to let them out, but rather, that the opportunity didn't present itself. And I didn't know I had to. Or feel I had to. And now, I'd like to let them out but I'm exhausted. So I will write instead - starting with the blog, then heading to the journal.

It is Father's Day today. Today is the first Father's Day in probably 13 years since I've hugged my dad in person. That, for me, is emotional enough in itself, but combined with the medidation we did with Michael Stone today (http://www.centreofgravity.org/) on visualizing our fathers (or father figures) in different stages of their life in order to find compassion and gratitude, it was enough to make my heart burst with joy and my stomach churn with sadness all at once. It is making me think about life, death, my dad's views on both of these things, my views on both of these things, and how little I actually know about the fascinating man whose daughter I am.

Also in my thoughts today was how 'off' I felt with no reason that I could pinpoint. If I feel off on a regular work day, it's easier to live with it because I can get distracted, multi-task, or just have an off day. But here, I feel like I don't want to pass my precious time a) feeling this way, b) not being able to know how I got there and c) know what it is I'm feeling. At least I'm mindful of it and won't let myself suppress it and ignore it like I find so easy to do in daily life. All the more reason to head to the journal tonight.

Further to feeling off, and adding to this feeling and weight, was my practice teach today. It was a lovely, sunny day in the park, I had beautiful people to share the practice with... and I didn't feel the joy of teaching. This happened to me my first time too and scared me a lot then, and even more now since my passion and love for this runs so deep and I want to share this. I need to get out of my head and feel this love, as well as feel the sharing and connection with others, because not only do I not want to feel a lack of joy, I want, more than anything, to be able to be me. Of all places to be able to let your guard down, I've found the mecca, so I need to chip away and start to create a beautiful sculpture while my spirit is open.